Poetry First-Aid

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Sometimes the words don’t seem right, no matter how long you have thought about the feelings to be expressed in a poem, or you have not used the right tools to get the poem in a final form. Here is where I can help. With Poetry First Aid, a poem written by someone other than myself can be submitted to contact(at)eliastobias.net. to Poetry First Aid. I’ll work with the original text, help edit it to be a better poem, and the result may be a better poem.  The new poem belongs to the original writer, with all rights reserved.  It’s free.

Here’s how it works.  I had the Poetry First Aid section with my previous Web site and in October 2000, Steve at sdh@pcom.net, sent me a poem he was writing about his girlfriend and was having some problems with it.  Here is his poem he wrote while he was at school:

When I hear your voice
It sounds like sweet music to my ears
When I see your smile
It  make my day brighter
When I see your eyes
I get lost in their glow
When I see your face
I am mesmorized by your beauty
When your lips touch mine
When your hair brushed mine
the thousands sensations seduce me
When your arm are around me
I don’t ever want you to let go.

“I’ am having trouble coming up with something for ‘when your lips touch mine’.  What do you think so far,” he wrote in the first e-mail.
This was a good start. repetition was good, and using the senses in great.

Here is what I put together for Steve:

When I am with You

When I am with you,
I love you more than you’ll ever know.
When I see your face,
You smile and you start to glow.
When I hear your voice,
It sounds like sweet music to my ears
When I see you smile,
My daily troubles seem to disappear.
When I see your eyes,
I get a glimpse of your precious soul.
When your arms are around me
I never ever want to let your go.
When your lips youch mine,
I feel a thousand senations seduce me.
When our hearts beat together
i know our love will be set free.

That was finished October 12, 2000.

This was his response.
“Yes, Thanks very much. I gues I had the basics, but needed a little help. Thank you.”
Your welcome, Steve at sdh.pcom.net.  I hope your girlfriend like your poem.

Elias Tobias

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